I like hamburgers. Cheeseburgers, to be exact. I like the taste, the way you eat a hamburger (held between two hands), the variety of toppings and the way it is cooked. I love their ubiquity (restaurants, fast food, fine dining) and the fact that I can find one in every city, state and country. The crispy burger is perhaps one of the most widespread food in the world (my western view on the subject)
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I love the fattiness and the way the bun brings the meat together and makes it so easy to eat. I love all the memories I have of eating hamburgers and the places I went when I ate hamburgers.
Burger The Essence of the Perfect Hamburger and the True Love of Salmon
The perfect hamburger has no shape. It’s not one thick, hand-wrapped steak or two thinly mashed steaks; it’s not easy, with ketchup or with onions, cucumbers and special sauce. The perfect hamburger is not eaten in a restaurant or on a white tablecloth, the bun is not grilled or sprinkled with sesame seeds. The perfect hamburger is a feeling.
When you like salmon, you usually mean that you like salmon in its most common form: marinated and grilled or fried. There are many ways to prepare salmon, but if you like any of these variations, you’ll probably enjoy them all. Loving salmon means loving salmon.
The Complexities of My Hamburger Preferences
Hamburgers are different. I like hamburgers. I didn’t find a single hamburger that I didn’t like so much that I ate it whole. This applies to the microwave hamburgers at Costco and the cold, lifeless patty at Bamboos, a particularly unimaginative fast food chain in Peru. Both times I took a bite, recognized the travesty before me, and continued eating. Humans are conditioned to enjoy salty and fatty foods.
Still, I’m incredibly picky about my hamburgers. I don’t put mustard on it unless it also has ketchup. I don’t use ketchup unless accompanied by mayonnaise or mustard. Mayo is the only condiment I leave front and center on my burger, other than special mayo-based sauces. I’d rather have a juicy hamburger without sauce than a dry one with sauce.
Customizing Burgers: Preferences and Personal Touches
I often order lettuce, tomatoes, onions and mayonnaise, but leave the tomatoes separately. I’m not sure I know how to order lettuce without tomato. I have never been disappointed when I order pickles, but they are a rare addition to a custom crispy burger. When I see them decorating the place’s drop-in area, I get excited.
Bacon is a nice thing, but it’s almost never necessary. I would choose eighty percent of the other options over a Big Mac.
Burgers: Polarizing Choices and Predictable Orders
If anyone has read this rant and agrees wholeheartedly, please let me know so I can buy a ticket. Or read it again so you notice everything you inevitably disagree with. Because if salmon is a ubiquitous, non-polarizing main course (assuming you like salmon), burgers are the exact opposite: they live to polarize.
What are the regular hamburgers? The Black eon Bleu (blue cheese, bacon, sometimes mushrooms). Maybe a variation of Baja/Cali/Surf (all with avocado). Sometimes a Mexican (Pico de Gallo).
Given these options, what should we do? We scroll through and confirm that the cowboy at this particular restaurant is what we’re used to. I’ve eaten hamburgers with dozens of people, and if I know them reasonably well, I can probably predict what they’re going to order.
Burger Chaos: The Perils of Random Custom Orders
I’m sure who adds mayonnaise, who adds barbecue and who chooses blue cheese. We all love the ship, but wouldn’t trade a burger if our lives depended on it.
Imagine: A hundred people order custom burgers, and then everyone gets one of those burgers at random. Maybe get the burger with blue cheese and yellow mustard. Or you can use one of my favorites, mayonnaise and raw onions.
The hamburgers are stale, the fat is soaking through the bag. You are hungry. You pre-ordered and spent 20 minutes in the car (okay, I think this is happening in 2012), only to come home to find you accidentally got a sociopath ketchup and tomato juice burger.
The Irresistible Temptation: The Burger You Can’t Put Down
Your body begins to cramp because you’ve waited an hour for a direct injection of salty animal fat into your liver. Now you have to decide: do you force it or eat crackers?
When I pick up a hamburger, I can rarely put it down before it’s gone. Putting down a hamburger is difficult for both emotional and practical reasons. First of all, I love it – how can I put it down? With every bite I take, something is pressed onto my hands, be it clear juice or dollops of melted cheese.
If I put her to sleep, my next bite will likely be delayed… and I’m just getting started! I hold my burger close to me as I chew, and before I’ve swallowed each bite, I take another bite.
The Commitment of the Perfect Burger: Once You Pick It Up
Now to the practical side. If you put your hamburger down, you may never be able to pick it up again. The bottom bun, if done right, can be drenched in grease, and so the first pick-up is a commitment: “Put me down and I’ll never be the same,” she seems to tell you. Yet we make these mistakes, whether it’s drinking or telling a story, and when we return to our child, we see our mistake right in front of us. She’s sloppy, her ass is crooked. The greasy sandwich has gone cold. We continue to eat and save what we can, but we emphasize an important lesson: once we have it, we can never let it go.
Hamburgers: A Comfort and Symbol of American Life
My life consists of hamburgers. I know, what an absurd statement, but it can be true for anything you love. cheeseburgers at McDonald’s with my aunt and cousins; large 1-pound burgers at Alonzo’s with Grandpa; my dad’s onion and lamb burger on a Friday night in the summer; rubbery burgers in the wake, cheese unbelted; fat-soaked Shake Shack after long runs in Brooklyn. These bun wrapped steaks have comforted me so many times.
The hamburger’s history is unclear, as it should be. This is, after all, an American institution; a symbol. It goes beyond brands like Coca-Cola, which are the inventions of mere mortals, and takes on an otherworldly dimension. Who invented the hamburger? One might as well ask who invented the open road or the handshake.
The Doomed Meal: A Final Feast of Burgers
Who invented the motherly hug or the tyrannical slap? A citizen is invented as a religion is invented… and who can say such a thing?
What is your doomed meal? That famous question that so many of us think about and that (almost) none of us ever have to answer. What is it? People go one of three ways: something luxurious (lobster and caviar), something simple (Captain Crunch), or something meaningful (Mom’s meatballs and gravy). Well, I choose. On my deathbed, in front of the chair, I want hamburgers. I want to start with a bite of the Whopper to remind myself what the base tastes like, then wash it down with a corner bite.
The Ultimate Burger Indulgence: A Feast for the Senses
I want a bite of the Big Kahuna Burger from Top Dog in Avon, North Carolina, followed by a frozen Bubba Burger overcooked on the grill. As I’m led to the seat, I want to hold a Double in both hands, slathered in Mac sauce, so that before my synapses are burned by the state, I can experience the pure bliss of God’s greatest creation one last time.
This is how I eat a hamburger. I’ll order one first. Normally I’m a greedy ordered, I’m afraid of going hungry, but when it comes to burgers I take it to a new extreme. A pound hamburger feels like carrot sticks in the face of a hamburger; how could I resist? So I order something large, always with fries. When it’s time, I make it bigger and add the mayonnaise. Why don’t restaurants like to use the mayonnaise themselves? I would gladly give up the right to save myself a few precious seconds between putting the plate down and taking the first bite. I’m so hungry I think, whether it’s true or not. I just want to eat the hamburger.
McDonald’s: The Addiction of Comfort and Cravings
So I spread the mayonnaise on top and then squeeze it out. I squeeze the rolls until the monstrosity is a manageable size, take a deep breath, and then bite. Whenever I can, I often grab a few fries with one hand and shove them into battle. Damn fries are delicious. Then I start inhaling my food again, without an ounce of self-awareness, until I’m licking my lips, moaning with joy and dread at the finish, trying not to stare at my companion’s burger across the table.
It has always been that way. In the car, on road trips, we’d barely left the thoroughfare before I put the trash back in the bag, the musty, familiar taste of McDonald’s still on my lips. Here’s something crazy: eating McDonald’s is like smoking cigarettes. It sticks in your mind and the majority of people love to hate it. As I smoked a cigarette, I subconsciously enjoyed the smell of my fingers, a kind of reminder of what I had just done.
13 McDonald’s vs. Fine Dining: The Health Debate
The same goes for McDonald’s: the smell of onions and cheese provides some mischievous comfort when I venture beyond eating. “I just ate McDonalds,” I want to whisper to the person I’m with afterwards. “Lord my son!” they will answer. “You just ate this junk and are trying to read a book/ride the subway/drive a car? Are you crazy?”
How does a citizen look good? How does it get healthy? I’ve always found it interesting that people are so against eating McDonalds, to eat a practically bigger burger at a nicer restaurant. There must be reasons for this, and I have no doubt that it is healthier in some way. But McDonalds sells its food to billions of people worldwide.
14 McDonald’s Magic: The Appeal of Salt, Sugar, and Fat
BILLIONS! So don’t say you think this is disgusting. Maybe, but don’t tell me anyway. It has been artificially conditioned in a lab under ideal conditions and through overzealous testing by billions of satisfied customers to taste…good. Having five times as much salt as needed. Filling their sandwiches with sugar. People love salt, sugar and fat (have I said that before?) and they get plenty of it in a McDonald’s cheeseburger.
Fast Food vs. Restaurant Burgers: A Personal Dilemma
But that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes toss my personal Statue of Liberty aside. I currently don’t eat fast food, which means I only eat it when I’ve burned about 2,000 calories before I run. Not that burning calories makes the artificial ingredients I consume any better for me, but somehow it just feels better. So since I don’t eat fast food, I’m not one of those people who think restaurant burgers are better. And in many ways they are. But like a pack of Marlborough’s, a McDonald’s cheeseburger is a product you can get anywhere.
McDonald’s Abroad: A Love-Hate Relationship with Global Burgers
I’ve only had a McDonald’s cheeseburger once and thought, “This isn’t right,” but it was in Peru, the burger patty was a light gray color, and I still ate it all. That decision cost me about ten pounds in lost water (and probably destroyed a Hilton sewage treatment plant), and I still eat at McDonald’s. While I can appreciate a great burger and taste the difference between an ammonia-soaked patty and a chopped tenderloin, I can honestly say that I love both.
McDonald’s and the Global Spread of American Culture
Great, this is about McDonalds now. Redirect.
I mentioned earlier the idea of a hamburger being a ubiquitous food in the world, and I meant it. I consider myself appreciative of other cultures – I’d hate to show up in Thailand and find everyone driving air-conditioned SUVs to a Barnes & Noble store in a mall – but somehow I get a twinge of patriotism when I see a hamburger see a menu anywhere outside the US. “Damn it!” I think. “They’re appropriating American culture. I’m American. Ergo, they like my culture.
Burger Love: A Global Obsession Rooted in American Culture
“The only reason the burgers even exist is of course people like me who travel somewhere for a week (Germany, Norway, Thailand) and can’t resist eating a burger not just once, but eating on a large scale number of occasions. What do you think of me? “Hey dad, you were right! Serving burgers in the world’s best pho shop was no mistake! This idiot even ordered one!”
I think it’s because hamburgers are ingrained in our DNA as Americans. Think how many movies have scenes with hamburgers. Pulp Fiction – Royale with cheese. Barrel – Double Polar Burger with everything. “Harold and Kumar” is literally about the search for a legendary citizen.
Your Questions, Answered!
The perfect burger is a balance of a juicy patty, fresh toppings, and a soft, toasted bun. It’s all about quality ingredients and proper preparation.
Yes! Opting for lean meats, using whole grain buns, and adding fresh vegetables can make a burger a more nutritious choice.
The key is using a meat thermometer. For beef, aim for 160°F (71°C) for well-done, 140°F (60°C) for medium, and 120°F (49°C) for rare.
Try avocado, fried eggs, jalapeños, sautéed mushrooms, or even pineapple for a fun twist.
Absolutely! There are many great veggie and plant-based burger options like black bean patties, Beyond Meat, or even Portobello mushrooms as a substitute.
